I had predicted the struggle that rose up within me the other day.  For months now we have been so focused on the paperwork and meetings part of this adoption process, that the little girl we are adopting has in some ways felt more like an idea than a reality. Of course we have known she is a real person that exists out there, but as our brains have been intensely caught up in all the logistics surrounding our first meeting, transitioning her to our home, and then finalizing her adoption, the thoughts and feelings surrounding the reality of her had been somewhat superficial. Throughout the years I have learned that whenever embarking on any major life-changing journey, when the reality hits I will spend some time in panic-mode and have some big thoughts, feelings, and questions to work through.

During the past few weeks we have met our daughter, spent a lot of time with both her and her foster family, and learned more about her past. Over a couple of days, all of this information transported my brain into a bit of whirlwind – emotions ranging from excitement to apprehension. What if I don’t have it in me to be a good mom to this girl? What if we can’t bond properly? What if I can’t build that relationship that I so want to have with her? What if it simply doesn’t work out well? The questions didn’t stop there, but you get the point. My mind validated each of these fears by reminding me of all my flaws and failures, all of my worst parenting moments.

Having traversed similar battle-ground in past situations I tackled the battle in my mind, knowing that I’d eventually subjugate my racing thoughts. The fact that I had predicted these fears caused me to regard them with some indifference. I have become deeply convinced though that there are times when God allows us to struggle in order to motivate us into a passionate search for answers and peace. Always in that search I have found a blessing that I would not have found without the search.

That blessing came while headed down the highway for home after spending a few days with our new little girl. I was praying over these fears, asking God to bring me peace and confidence when a beautiful analogy came to mind. Sitting in our truck, traveling down the familiar road I began to think about all the thought, engineering, and work that has gone into modern transportation. Manufacturers, engineers, study, etc. The effort that has gone into providing us with the means we have to get us from point A to point B is mind boggling if a person takes the time to give it some thought. And yet for me, all transportation means is holding a drivers licence and working at having safe and efficient driving skills to successfully get me down the road. The background work that has gone into creating the vehicle I drive and making it what it is, is something I know very little about. I know next to nothing about the skills it takes to build a highway but can imagine that hours of surveying, planning, and skills are involved. The only piece of all of this that I am involved in is simply to hold a drivers licence, as well as maintain and develop safe and efficient driving skills. I simply get in the car, and drive down the road, giving little thought to what has gone into making such a thing available to me.

I felt like God was saying to me, do not worry your head about all the aspects of this adoption. Just get in your “Mom vehicle” and be the best driver you can be. Learn, grow, acquire new skills, fine-tune and better present skills, read, listen, love, have fun, and spend hours on your knees if need be looking to me for help, strength, and wisdom. And simply trust me to work it all out.

Peace filled my soul and I sat amazed at how God has the ability to turn even a road trip into a sermon! That analogy has given me so much focus and direction over the past few days. And every time I get into my vehicle to drive somewhere I am reminded again that it is simply my job to work hard at being the best mom I can be and leave the rest up to God.